Everyone and their Pokemon these days are sharing these ‘geek love’ posts on Facebook proclaiming why they love geeks. Because I’m a jerk, I’m going to dispel all these fantastic, romantic notions. Before you accuse me of sour grapes, I’m probably as big a geek as you can imagine for the following reasons -
- I know pi to more decimal places than probably anyone you know (because it’s funny when people ask for pie, hur hur).
- I juggle.
- I’ve read tons about quantum physics as a 13 year old (understanding it is separate).
- I’ve been into coding since probably that age too and I majored in it in school.
- I’ve been inducted into MENSA (but am still too cheap to pay for membership, I think it’s a huge fraud but only geeks would take the MENSA test so there.)
- I can discuss videogame history like your neighbor’s bespectacled son.
- I know how to convert your age to light years (because life is a long journey hehe, see, I make geeky jokes)
- I actually own an autographed pic of Bill Nye the Science Guy
- My first (sort of) legit job involves writing for possibly the geekiest company in Singapore.
- I am Asian.
Anyway, the point is, I KNOW YOU GEEK LOVERS ARE ALL FILTHY LIARS BECAUSE I’VE NEVER RECEIVED THAT KIND OF LOVE FROM YOU GEEKS. Being geeky is cool? Bullshit. I’ve never been told how I should be the mother of anyone’s 42 children because I, like, know how to work my TI-82 calculator and all of a sudden, the internet spills over with 12938934 reasons why you should date/marry/copulate/be BFFs with geeks?
Dear Internet, I hate to break it to you but hey, here’s 5 reasons why you’re wrong about geeks.
1. You’re still superficial but you’re trying harder.
You like geeks because you’re trying to tell the world you see beyond the surface. Tough. Let’s be honest here. Most of us ARE superficial. I’ll tell you that I am in a lot of ways superficial. It’s harsh but at least I’m not a filthy liar. You think that geeks look like this -
Bet he’s also telling you about the similarities about the DNA makeup between bears and humans
Or maybe they wear these cute little specs like I used to and got zero utility from because they’d steam up when you start eating and then I can’t see where you are and would look into the distance where I think you are and you’d think I’m weird because I’m staring into nothingness. Weirdo.
I gained 100 IQ points by donning these hipster specs.
Fact is, we ALL would love people who look like these regardless of how geeky they are. Unfortunately, reality is a bit harsh and hey, these guys are legit geeks too. Come give them a hug.
“I’ll hug back after I overclock my CPU to generate enough heat to cook my cup noodles.”
2. He/She will NOT fix your problems
Cool, geeks are problem solvers so hey, it’s an easy ride out. WRONG. Look, if I’m so smart, then what can YOU offer me that I can’t get elsewhere? It sounds perfect (to dumb people) – date a geek and he/she will solve all your life’s problems. No, it doesn’t work that way. If you aren’t pulling your weight, why the hell would I stick with you? There’s no such thing as a free lunch and that’s why Wendi Deng is still playing the field and why Hugh Hefner got all those playmates, although I have to say that Mr Hefner IS pretty damn hot in his youth.
3. We annoy the fuck out of you.
See this guy?
Well, if you want romance then let’s have romance. Oh look, there’s wine. Mmm, grape juice that burns! Now let’s gaze into each other’s eyes. You blinked, I win.
You think it’s funny when you watch Big Bang Theory and you feel all soft and gooey cos he’s a big geek and you think it’s cute. Imagine that in your life. When you aren’t sitting on a couch with your ditzy friends to laugh at the situational comedy that’s unfolding. Involving you. As the butt of the joke.
Not so funny now eh?
Well on the bright side, you probably won’t understand half the jokes so maybe you won’t be so annoyed… although everyone would still be laughing at you.
4. Surprise! Geeks have other hobbies too!
Guy who’s probably not a geek, running.
I remember reading one of these reasons to love geeks pages and nearly died when one of the reasons was that geeks weren’t into sports nights. REALLY. I can list off the top of my head at least 10 people I know personally who can regale you with the stats on the latest sport of their choice. Remember, geeks hate people who stereotype and if you’re one of these people who think geeks can better relate to your hobbies because you’re too lazy to get some sun, well, remember, geeks realise too that we’re stereotyped as these people who’re low on EQ and we have no qualms about just leaving you at home for our soccer sessions because we know you’ll expect that from us. Statistics work both ways.
5. Geeks really won’t make you smarter.
It’s cool to be friends with geeks because you can steal their notes for the next big exam or you can learn oh-so-much from them. Uhm, well no because if that’s true, you’d be learning tons from your compulsory education as it is. If you’re stupid, you’re stupid, period. There might be some mileage from association provided you’re hanging out with the right geeks but take me for instance. If you’re hanging out with me for smarts, well hey, at least you have me for company, no?